Communicating With Parents

By: Kathleen Hessert, CSP


The CNN.com headline reads:
“Father of youth hockey player accused of breaking coach’s nose”
The story goes on to say that the father allegedly became enraged because the coach took his 10-year-old son out of the game in the closing minutes.  As the game ended, the father grabbed two hockey sticks; walked up to the coach and cross-checked him in the face, breaking his nose.  What is going on with these parents in youth sports?

Granted, this is an extreme case, but the problem with parents of the very young and not so young athlete is not only bad, it’s getting worse.  As a matter of fact, when speaking at the Nike Championship Basketball Coaches’ Clinics, I asked thousands of coaches what their biggest crisis or concern was.  The #1 answer by a landslide was, “parents”.  So how do you keep parents happy, or at least, just keep them from breaking your nose?  Frequent, clear communication is your only hope.

First and foremost, you’ve got to establish an open line of communication with parents. Communication in general is more effective when people believe it flows two ways.  To lay this groundwork early on, schedule a mandatory parent meeting before the season for youth and high school teams.  At this meeting, explain your philosophy, expectations and ramifications if the kids (or parents) don’t follow the rules. This meeting will also provide the parents an opportunity for involvement from the start and when well orchestrated, sets realistic parameters.  Most importantly, though, it shows your willingness to work with them to provide a positive experience for their children.  

Another good idea that is becoming more popular these days is the “parent code of conduct”.  This is a list of rules that parents must follow through the season.  This can be introduced at the preseason parent meeting.  Many associations are requiring that parents agree with and sign the code for their child to participate.  The National Association for Youth Sports can provide more information on this concept as well as other parent programs.  They have a convenient Website located at www.nays.org.

When a parent has an issue to discuss, encourage him / her to set up an appointment with you.  This helps to avoid a confrontation at the worst place…on the court.  At a game, emotions are running high for both of you.  You both run the risk of saying or doing something you might regret.  If a parent does confront you at an inappropriate time, don’t be baited.  Diffuse their anger by explaining to them calmly that you won’t discuss it there, but will be happy to make an appointment with them.

When you’re meeting with a parent, practice active listening. One high school basketball coach complained to me that he communicated with parents with no success. But after getting the details, I’d hardly call it communication in the best sense of the word. He agreed to a meeting with the parents in his office. When they arrived he said, “I’m not here to listen to you. You’re here to listen to me. I’m the coach and this is my team!”

Listening is a great tool. The value of listening to your athletes is obvious to most coaches. It’s really the only way to discover how to get through to them… to motivate and educate them.  Listening to parents can be equally valuable. Listen carefully to what they say and ask questions to make sure you understand them. Parents aren’t necessarily any better at making their points then their kids are.  This will help the parents realize they’re important to you and you’re doing your best to figure out a solution.  Here are some pointers for becoming an active listener from my Coach’s Communication Playbook:

• Cultivate an inner attitude that listening matters
• Assume something valuable will be said
• Think about the content and tone of the message
• Don’t reach conclusions until the other person is through speaking
• Blot out distractions like phone calls and papers on your desk
• Concentrate on what the speaker is saying
• Look him / her straight in the eye
• Don’t let other business interrupt
• Ask occasional, appropriate questions
• Don’t interrupt
• Afterward, make notes with date and time

When you feel you understand their situation and emotions, acknowledge it.  Remember that they have a right to their opinion.  At the same time, you don’t have to agree with that opinion!  “I can see why as parents you may think that…” Then bridge to your point of view with a phrase like, “however, the key issue is…”.  Then clearly and concisely state your point of view.  These steps can be easily remembered as A-B-C.

    A: Acknowledge their emotional position
        B: Bridge to your point of view
            C: Clearly and concisely state your point of view

Coaching is tough enough without problems with parents.  Be proactive to avoid problems before they occur preventing uncomfortable moments for you and your athletes’ parents.  Not to mention keeping your nose in tact.